On an On
I traveled to NYC. I needed to prove things to myself before I graduated. I needed to reflect on my life and find a new way to look at things. Around me, millions of people were living their lives, and I was just one of them. Just a person out of many who would live and learn. In the past few months, since the start of 2023, I have learned that I am a person who struggles with abandonment. This project has, in no small part, helped me identify how I feel. I feel intense loneliness when I'm not around those who matter to me. I'm overly anxious about social events, worried about being criticized and rejected. This has led me to be distrustful of others' sincerity unless I'm sure that they like me. I avoid conflict to remain in other's good graces, and I act as a people pleaser as a result. I can't ask for help because I would be a burden. And when things don't work out, I blame myself without fail. I continue relationships that are unhealthy, desperately holding on because if it ends, I disassociate from the world and can't ground myself. And when they do eventually end, I fall into a depression so deep it feels like I'll never crawl out. But I am healing. I can identify my issues, and I can look back on my past and see where things went wrong. I can do better. I am better. I am not perfect, but I am who I am, and I'm doing the best I can because that's all I can do. But…
